So, I seem to recall a pretty steady pattern starting at the end of 2015 and moving forward through 2016, the election, and all the worry leading up to the inauguration. Something horrific would happen in the news, and all of social media would erupt in its various ways, and it all felt like way too much to deal with, so I’d sit down and write a blog post trying to process what was going on.
But that’s not quite right, because I remember reflecting on the Charleston shooting at Mother Emanuel when that happened, and that was back in the middle of 2015. So maybe my timeline’s a little off.
In November 2015 there was the Paris bombing; that was horrific in the way that any large scale terrorist attack is, but what bothered me so much more then was the response in America that focused so heavily on sealing up the borders from refugees fleeing the violence in Syria. I think it was around that time that I publicly denounced a certain presidential candidate following months of being dismayed at how members of my family were taken with him.
The year that followed was pretty much an endless horror. High profile acts of domestic terror rose considerably as the worst of America became emboldened by the Republican party’s race to the bottom. There was the Pulse shooting. All the while, the country hit a fever pitch as election season drove us all more than a little mad, and not unjustifiably so.
Then there was Election Day, and it went the way that most people at the time didn’t expect it to go. We elected a narcissistic, xenophobic, racist sexual predator to the highest office in the land, and a little less than half the country cheered. I know I was really angry about it; outside of a few awkward phone calls and the holidays, I didn’t speak to much of my family for a few months because I was so angry. I was angry with them, angry at the system, angry at the country in general.
Also, I was really scared.
Just before New Year’s, I put down some more thoughts about how I felt betrayed by the older generation in this country. It seemed like everyone’s future was being thrown away to soothe the insecurities of scared, white haired white people. Everything felt like it was doomed going into 2017, and those of us who were scared of the outcome felt powerless to do anything to stop it.
Then Inauguration Day came and went, and like most other folks I settled into the reality of the next four years. Forty-five is massively incompetent, as is most of the personnel in his administration. Republicans technically have a unified government across the three branches, but ideological infighting between the radical conservatives and the moderate conservatives leave them at an impasse on most important legislation (thank God for that small relief). Despite its dysfunction, the executive branch is able to affect changes that satisfy the xenophobic desires of the Republican base; people of color, immigrants, and refugees are the biggest losers under the current administration, as was easily predicted a year ago based on the campaign rhetoric. Staving off the healthcare wrecking ball that was the AHCA and its subsequent legislative iterations doesn’t change the fact that lots of people are still being hurt by our white, petty, Republican government.
So the strangest part of the last six months has been that for all of the general miserableness that has erupted in the wake of the election, I’ve not been nearly as on edge as I was last year. Part of that is the necessary insulation that I think many folks are resorting to just to maintain personal stability during the national madness. Part of it is simply that it’s easier to fear what you think will happen than what is currently happening.
A big part of it is just being tired.
I’m reflecting on these feelings on the same day that Charlottesville, Virginia is overrun with Nazis who have gathered to protest the removal of Confederate monuments in the South. Last night a large group of them gathered with torches on the University of Virginia campus and marched around, terrorizing locals. Today they got violent. A group of counter-protesters was intentionally hit by a car, and one person has died. Because it has to be said, repeatedly, this is not an aberration; America has always had white supremacists who are willing to terrorize people whom they don’t like. The difference now is that these white supremacists are doing so openly, in 2017, without hiding their identities. They feel like they have a right to act this way, and the biggest change in the national landscape that we’ve seen in the last year is the ascension of a man who has never unequivocally denounced white supremacy or violence against marginalized groups in his short, sordid political career.
I’m horrified by what’s going on across the country. If not for the decision to get out and walk around the city this morning, I probably would have spent the day glued to social media, looking for updates on what’s happening in Charlottesville. Still the response now feels different from previous national horrorshows. So much of my dismay is mixed with plain old tiredness. We still have three and a half years of this absurdity to weather (assuming that we aren’t drawn into another stupid war because the president has a compulsive need to measure his penis against any and all comers), and I just wonder what we’ll look like as a country by the time it’s over.
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